I THINK TOO MUCH: I don't know how to let go

Why is letting go so hard? I struggle with it even when I know something isn't beneficial for me, when I know it brings me tears just as often if not more so than laughter. Pain and confusion more than happiness and security.

Is it because I want to avoid failure so much that I keep putting my head on the chopping block? A friend told me it might be because I want to prove everyone else wrong...all the people who told me it was a mistake to let you back into my life. So is it because of my pride that I'm crying for you now? Is it my fault? Is this why I feel so stupid now?

I have no answers, only more questions. This article from Tiny Buddha offered some relief, some kind of understanding:  “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” ~Maya Angelou

Writer Dina Strada writes: :"I expected people to change just because I thought they should be or feel a certain way. But at that point in my spiritual journey, I hadn’t yet learned that everyone is on their own path, and sometimes their soul just isn’t in alignment with yours."

I always believed we were soulmates, that our souls recognized each other from the moment we met. You were my best friend. You told me just last week that all I had to do was make a choice. Even if I'm not strong enough to carry through with it, yet. Make the decision to make a choice and the path would be lain before me. It likely wouldn't be easy because nothing ever worth doing, ever worth fighting for is.

I just didn't want that path to lead me walking away from you.

I don't know if you will see this because you blocked me and won't take my phone calls asking you what happened, why are you angry, what did I do to deserve this treatment. Again.

And I likely won't know when you come back to me. Again.

That has been our pattern, the push/pull of holding on too tight, then the pain of loss. Over and over, around we go.

I'm tired of spinning and getting dizzy with relief when you come back and sorrow when you go away again.

You blocked me, and I have returned that favor. It was all I could do. Self preservation, not spite.

I love you, but our friendship is over.